Hiya gawkers!
Yesterday I went to Great Clips to get my hair cut. The hairdresser I've had for the past year got a job at the local bank around Christmas, so I've been badly in need of a trim. But I was also very conscious that in the two years I've had a trach and used a vent I have never gone anywhere "cold" and required a non-medical person to, well, touch me.
Knowing how weird people can be about wheelchair users, I expected a wheelchair user with a trach and vent would make the experience even more of an adventure. I was so right. The level of gawking -- outright staring -- from people less than five feet from me far surpassed anything I've experienced in my 25 years of being visibly disabled.
People stare all the time, right? Three women, close enough for me to reach out and kick them, sat or stood with their jaws hanging down as they stared. And stared. For several very long minutes. It may have been much longer. I had to look away from the rudeness.
I've felt comfortable challenging that in the past, at the very least with a pointed look back, but this time I found myself unprepared and struck silent. I looked back and found absolutely no recognition that they were looking at fellow human being. They stared like I was an alien or three-headed dog. My nurse, a smart outspoken woman, was stunned into silence too.
Then I got busy with what I came there for and the calm business manner of the woman who shampooed and cut my hair. But I felt the Othering shame of those stares in a way I haven't for a couple decades. And here I thought I had this worked out. Damn.
15 comments:
Now, you weren't getting a Mohawk haircut, were you?
I can't see why you getting your hair done would be so darn fascinating. It certainly is less remarkable than you being stunned into silence. Here's hoping that's a one-off.
And you just never expect it from putative ADULTS, do you? I don't. It's always shocking. And geez, having multiples gawking in unison -- eek! That would be a lot for anybody.
And with all that slack-mouthed goggling, I wonder how many of them will still go out and get you confused with another wheelchair user. (Yes, I'm still thinking of David's BADD post.)
Ack sorry you went through that just to get a haircut.It can be the level of staring (which you describe) that throws me. OR maybe the group effect? the hanging jaws...tongues lolling, I'd love to do a cartoon on this....
Stumbled across your blog while link-jumping, and I couldn't read without commenting. Makes me wonder WTF is wrong with the human race. I am amazed that the sight of a woman getting a haircut could possibly be so astonishing to people that they would lose all brain function and decency.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know how the stares look and can only imagine how much worse they'd be if I had a vent. Jesus, people can be such assholes.
My mother, who didn't have as much to deal with as you do, nonetheless had what is politely called a "deformity"--and in certain closed-in spaces like elevators got the same treatment.
She would stare back and then say "Five dollars." ;) I can never remember her at a loss for words, but her disability was lifelong and I always figured that was why.
I'm so sorry they were so rude, Kay.
You know, Kay. I think I have it figured out too and I am still always amazed at the difference between the way people treat when I am in my scooter, using a cane or on super good days I can go caneless. Still, everytime I am surprised and amazed at the dumbasses that sometimes surround me.
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Krishanna Spencer
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This entry reminds me of why as a person that uses a wheelchair I dread shopping for shoes. Every time I buy shoes the social interaction between myself and the shoe salesman is strained at best. It is as though I am contagious and a disabled person's presence in the shoe department represents some sort of perverse joke. And just like you related other customers are rude and the stares unabashed.
I wasn't even there and I am feeling stunned and practically speechless. Shame on these gawkers.
I had some similar experiences this weekend; it's worse since I wear a neck brace temporarily. It's enough at times to make me lose all semblance of politeness and utter a sharp "What?" at the starer. I'm sorry people were so rude to you. I really don't understand why they act this way.
Yanub: You'd think I was dying my hair purple or something, right?
Sara: That would be the bonus of having purple hair, maybe. Just how many scooter-diving, vent-sipping women with purple hair could there be in my small town?
Ruth: I'd love to see a cartoon on this by someone like Berke Breathed, cartoonist of Bloom County. Then Opus and the other lieutenants of the Starship Enterpoop could launch their phasers.
liss n kids: Hi. Usually people do eventually realize they are staring. That's the part that took me by surprise this time. I mean, we were close enough to touch. Next time, I will reach out with a long finger and poke them: "Heya."
Angry Gimp: Thanks. Wow, I'm glad to see you back at blogging!
Daisy: Your Mom had an excellent response. I might try that.
Krishanna: I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets taken off guard even when I expect unusual attention. Next time my sense of humor will assert itself better.
William Peace: I've taken to buying shoes online mostly, but yeah, I remember that too. I think verbally interacting plus physically touching makes it more likely discomfort and rudeness express themselves.
Thanks, Connie. I expect it's a very different vibe than the one Steve gets with his dog. If I could teach my vent to "woof" or something equally absurd wouldn't that make it more fun?
Thanks, fridawrites.
i hate these moments where we are like you said, otherized and shamed. i hate their ableism, their rudeness. i hate that i so often let them have power over my emotions.
i was at a community center the other day and while i waiting for my ride, all these school age kids were playing at a playground. they were so friendly---EACH time any of them walked by, they'd wave, say hello, smile and crap like this. we're so stared at that my first reaction was suspicion and wanted to scream WHO TAUGHT YOU TO ACT LIKE THIS? (sad huh?) i wonder what society would be like if people didn't lose the spirit they had at that age.
I find a pointed and slightly rude "May I help you?" does wonders.
I am not surprised, but still saddened by that. However, the amount of comments here (especially with exciting and amusing advice) makes me happy. How can so many smart, funny, amazing people be stunned into silence? Yet it happens to me too, although in a different way. There are days I feel empowered by confusing people and providing them with an alternative view...and days when it is too exhausting for words. I hope your haircut turned out gorgeous, though!
Wow. So sorry you had to endure that, getting a haircut! People can be incredibly rude.
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